Confusion and understanding

I was confused last week, trying to figure out other people’s actions and my reactions to those actions.

I tried a number of meditations, but they were taking me no closer to unravelling the feelings inside me, which were vague. The closest I could come to identify what I was feeling, was confusion.

I searched U Tube for yet another meditation that might help me, and settled on one to find answers, a meditation I had not tried before. I was guided to a temple with lots of doors around it. I was to choose one of these doors for the clarity I was seeking. There were no problems identifying the door I was to enter. I knew emphatically which one. Immediately I found myself at my family farm, a place I left as a 13-year-old. I was a young girl, perhaps seven or eight, and I was admiring some gladioli flowers. They were so beautiful as I crouched on the footpath staring into the garden where they were growing. Then I saw a further picture of an older me, maybe 11 or 12. It was Christmas day and my mother had picked a vaseful of gladioli to adorn the sitting room. I was so happy with my present, a brown stamp album, and these beautiful flowers that were sitting in the vase. I felt their magnificent energy, enhancing my already happy spirit. I took note of what I was seeing, but it didn’t help explain the feelings I had been trying to identify. I came out of the room and was instructed to go into a second, with a further question.

I asked for more clarity as I entered this second room. Again, I was taken back to the family farm. This time I was in the vege garden, a huge area my father had fenced to grow the family’s vegetables. There were rows and rows of every vegetable imaginable, along with herbs, and even a strawberry patch. Whilst I helped on the farm with all the chores, I was never asked to help weed this garden. I was wondering why I had this image and the previous one, when the clarity dawned.

My childhood was one of isolation. There weren’t any other girls nearby who were my age. Apart from the times I had friends to stay, I spent weekends and holidays on the farm or at the beach at a batch we had, always with just my parents and brothers. Of course there was school, but that was a limited time to be mixing with other girls.

I hadn’t learnt the girly, catty behaviour that would have been prevalent with a lot of people my age, and honed to be less obvious as these girls grew into adulthood. I remember being shocked when my daughter was at school, at how the girls behaved. I had never seen anything like it. These girls had learned that behaviour from their mothers, which I had observed from time to time.

Spirit had taken me back to childhood in order to understand the behaviour of adults around me now. Had I have spent holidays and weekends with other girls as a child, I would probably not be having this confusion I was now experiencing. That revelation certainly helped me to understand. I was a novice. It also helped me see other episodes through my life where I had been hurt by other people’s actions and not understood why they had behaved in a certain way.

I was thankful for the revelation which cleared up my confusion and brought me peace. It made me realise that my gut feelings were accurate, that what I thought was happening, actually was.